Friday, October 17, 2008


Meet The F**kers: 2008

(Flashback 3 Years) The first skirmish of the season in the Battle of Alberta goes down tonight, and as a service to Flames fans who have neither the patience nor the stomach to follow what's going on in Oilerville, I introduce to you the core of the 2008/2009 Edmonton Oilers roster.

In goal, we have the NHL's grumpiest old man, Dwayne "Roli" Roloson; Mathieu "Matthew" Garon; and Jeff "Name Shortened to Fit on Sweater" Deslauriers. A three goalie system hasn't worked in the NHL since one of them was Bunny Laracque, but perhaps MacT and Mr. Tambelline Man anticipate having more than one of them in the crease simultaneously.

"Mr." Lubo Visnovsky and Sheldon "9-1-1" Souray; the NHL's dreamiest PP point tandem. Both healthy somewhere in the grey area between "usually" and "occasionally". Quality decision makers in the category of "wives and girlfriends"; it goes downhill from there.

The Oiler defense also features Steve Staios, now sans perv stache as well as a step or two, and Tom Gilbert -- who made the team last season by virtue of being better than Ladislav Smid, and "earned" a 6-year $24M contract by virtue of (a) EV offensive numbers that will never be repeated, and (b) defensive skills that appear to have peaked somewhere around last season's All-Star break. It's a defensive core that will be frightening to some well into the next decade; perhaps that "some" will be the rest of the NW division, but my guess is that it's more likely to be the folks on the #8 bus.

Ethan "Go Time" Moreau (at left, working out in the offseason), 4th-line LW yet captain and official leader for some reason. Possibly the last player in the league who still hasn't received the 2005 memo about what you're not allowed to do with your stick when the other guy has the puck.

I say possibly because the guy who should be captain, C Shawn "Horc" Horcoff, may be the other. No doubt the next time the Oilers organization needs to trot out a player to defend the indefensible, it'll be Horcoff again, as Moreau will be off somewhere rehabbing something.

The Kid Line: Andrew "Marchant Without the Possession Skills" Cogliano, Sam Gagner "West", and Robert "Row-Bear" Nilsson. The future of the Oilers, bearing in mind that "the future" is a rather long and indefinite time, and does not imply in itself anything positive.

Kyle Brodziak and Zack Stortini are the other young fellers up front; no nicknames yet, but rest assured that they'll take the form of "Poor Man's ____".

Dustin "The Flying 'Too Much Time In The' Fridge" Penner, Erik "June 2006 YEAH BABY" Cole, Ales "On the Cusp" Hemsky, and winger Fernando Pisani mostly round out the forward corps. Decent enough players who probably don't have enough help and certainly aren't good enough to do it on their own. The Oilers also have someone named "Steve MacIntyre" on the roster, but not much sense in profiling him as I'd like this post to have a useful shelf life beyond November 15th.

Hope this helps, Flames fans!

***Andy update*** BoA drinking game!


Ethan "Go Time" Moreau

The first Izzy Mandelbaum episode is on right now! ALL ABOARD THE PAIN TRAIN!!!

I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats...

Any post that completely ignores Denis "Marc-Andre" Grebeshkov is just missing the mark.

Kyle Hot-Rodziak.
(Or "dick as a watch")

I believe it's Tom "Already Better Defensively Than Dion Phaneuf, not that such a thing is a big achievement" Gilbert, Matt.

Ha ha ha! The Oilers have three goalies!* Hilarious!

*(Whereas the Flames basically only have one, and if you threw them all together he might be the worst of the four right now)

Way to go Lubo! Niiiice!

Betcha Souray aint to proud of that cheesy sun or whatever that abomination on his chest is :)

Nice to see the battle resuming. There has been no intensity on this blog for months.

Nice to see this sad sack bunch stick it to the Falmes. Delicious.

way to state your intentions, whipping this team into the cup finals. I owe you a bottle of martini rosso if we get there this year

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