Friday, June 23, 2006

 

You Wanted The Best? You Got The Best!!!

***Note*** This was supposed to be my inaugral post. I apologize for its tardiness.

Is anyone else familiar with Vinnie Vincent, the Pyro Messiah? Or the “Vinnie Vincent” theory? Even if you are familiar with the former, you probably aren’t familiar with the latter, as it was first hypothesized by a buddy of mine in junior high, when we used to skip school in order to repeatedly watch KISS: Exposed. Vincent was an amazing guitar player (Pyro Messiah. Hello!?) who had been drafted into KISS following the departure of Ace Frehley. Vincent’s time with the band covered the makeup to non-makeup period (1982-1984, before being fired by Gene and Paul) and his band name was “The Warrior.” The Warrior had the Egyptian symbol for eternal life, the Ankh, painted on his face, from the top of his forehead to the bottom of his nose. It was awful. The only thing worse than the Ankh, however, was Vincent’s actual face without makeup. Vinnie was a very unattractive man. Enter the Vinnie Vincent theory.

Vincent was only in one prominent KISS video before being booted, and it was “Lick It Up.” The premise of the video is simply the boys walking around the streets, strutting their stuff in some sort of post-apocalyptic world, while scantily clad women crawl out of sewers and cardboard boxes. Basically “Love Is a Battlefield” mixed with “Blade Runner” and a solid dose of four rock n’ roll studs. My buddy argued that Vincent was so ugly that he would never appear in the “Lick It Up” video for more than three seconds at a time: to leave him in a shot for longer than three seconds would ruin the ability of the “Lick It Up” to become a popular song. We all laughed at my friend, thinking him foolish, until we started to notice that Vincent would only appear in shots for brief moments of time. Could it possibly be true? Well, I have watched “The Lick It Up” video hundreds of times, and I have counted the seconds that Vincent is in a shot. He is never, EVER, in a shot for more than three seconds. Ever. Now I don’t know if he was cut out because he was so ugly, or because Gene and Paul were limelight hogs. Both seem reasonable explanations at this point. All I know is that my friend was dead on about the three seconds, and that the Vinnie Vincent theory must go down as one of the greatest ideas ever whipped up by 14 year old head-banging stoners.

The Warrior will disappear from this picture in three seconds.


What does this have to do with The Battle of Alberta, you may ask? Well, on the one hand, nothing. I love KISS, and I love every chance I get to talk about them. So I just did, and I made you listen. On the other hand, it has everything to do with The Battle of Alberta, because Matt and Hugh are Gene and Paul (they can fight over who gets to be who), and right now I feel like Vinnie Vincent.

Sure, it doesn’t all add up. BoA only has two original members; KISS had four. Gene and Paul never left the band. Only Peter and Ace did. I am not actually ugly, but rather an Irish-German Adonis with a hammer the size of John Henry. Sure. I get it, man. But the fact of the matter is, a well-loved member of the original BoA crew is gone—hell, he even took his makeup and handle (Sacamano) with him—and I’m the unfortunate sap called in to replace him. Never mind that I’m a verbal virtuoso with a solid resume of scintillating session work. In many people’s minds I will never be as good as the original, and the moment Hugh cleans himself up in rehab returns I am gone. Does that bother me? Not really. I hated every single replacement after Peter and Ace left, and I don’t like the two new clowns in the band now that Ace and Peter have left again. And most of the time, I can barely stand myself. But I do feel a lot of pressure in replacing the irreplaceable Sacamano, and if I can lower the expectations just a little bit by telling this ridiculous tale, it will allow me to work in a zone I am more comfortable with. Plus, like I said before, I really like talking about KISS.

For those not already in the know, I am one of the writers on SportsMatters, one of Canada’s premier gay socialite blogs sports blogs. Make sure to check out the site. You won’t be disappointed. All of my Oilers stories are on there, as well as many other fantastic posts from Alex, Nathan, Avi, Sheamus and Kevin. I was born in Edmonton, live in Edmonton, and if all goes my way and I can have a heart-attack at the age of 99 while getting a lapdance at Chez Pierre’s, I will die in Edmonton. Am I an Oilers fan? Let me give that an emphatic, “FUCK YEAH.” All my life, son. I don’t want to hate on Sacamano here, but let’s me honest. He’s an expatriate who cheers for the Oilers. And an expatriate from Calgary, to boot. I don’t doubt his loyalties to the team, but by his own admission he didn’t become an Oilers fan until 1998. I was an Oilers fan when they won five Stanley Cups. I cried after each one. I was an Oilers fan when Steve Smith scored on his own net. I cried then too. I was an Oilers fan when Wayne Gretzky was traded. I cried while my dad and cousin laughed at me (fucking Canucks fans). When Messier was traded? Yup. Cried. Coffey, Fuhr, Kurri, Anderson, and Lowe? No, but only because I didn’t have any tears left. I’ve been there for the highs, and I’ve been there for the lows. I’ve been there for both Low and Lowe. I always have been, and always will be, an Oilers fan.

To be honest, though, I was looking forward to a little time off from hockey. The past two months have been awesome, but I was looking forward to the summer break. Some time to get outside, watch other sports, and get re-energized for the fall. Apparently that just ain’t gonna happen. Now I have to think about the draft, free agency, trades, and the lineup for next year. For example, a day after I started at BoA, the Chris Pronger rumour mill started whirling. My God. So you’ll have to excuse me for the next little while if I seem unprepared or behind the ball on things. I’ll catch up. I promise.

So what you can expect from me? Well, what you can expect is this: my honest feelings about my Edmonton Oilers, 100% of the time. I think I will be a little different from both Hugh and Matt. They both stay fairly optimistic, even when their teams are playing god-awful hockey. That won’t be me. If the Oil are playing poorly, you’ll be hearing about it. And I don’t sugar-coat my rage. But I also have a strong analytical side to me, similar to Matt and Tyler at mc79hockey. I hope to do more posts on the analytical side of the game than I have in the past. I even have one in the works right now, which I should be able to post shortly. I also have a tendency to write mammoth posts. It has been brought to my attention, and I am working on it. Obviously I failed with this one, but I think I deserve a little slack. I mean, I was talking about KISS.

Thanks to all who suggested my name to Matt and Hugh, and thanks to both of them for letting me be a part of this amazing site. I will try to get a suitable email address up on the site soon, for anyone who wants to contact me. I look forward to talking hockey with you all over the next little while. We have quite an amazing group here. Let’s keep it up.

GOILERS!

Comments:

Welcome to the fun.. have read your blog. Someone has to get Matt back inline he was taking liberties... This Pronger thing is pissing me off to no end. If he wants out he buys his way out he gives the Oilers back 5M and we will trade to wherever he wants to go. Another thing he must walk down Jasper Ave with skates in hand so he can get the proper send off he deserves if this is true.
 


Or, we trade him back to the Blues for the #1 and prospects...I like Johnson
 


or we take a run at redden and then trade pronger for a money center.
 


Just a little late...but I wanted to say that the Vinnie Vincent Theory may be one of the best damn music-related things I've read in awhile. The funny thing? I swear that "Lick It Up" video has become a staple of VH1 Classic's Metal Mania, and yet, I have never noticed how you *barely* see VV in that thing. Definitely will have to take a look next Saturday...though now that I actually want to see "Lick It Up", VH1C will probably play "Crazy Nights", "Heaven's On Fire", or "All Hell's Breakin' Loose" instead. (sighs)

I used to be a strictly Makeup Era(s) fan of KISS, but I have somewhat warmed up to the Non-Makeup Era, primarily "Heaven's On Fire" and the Revenge and Carnival of Souls* albums. As for replacements, I've always never minded Eric Carr and Vinnie Vincent...but that's mostly because they participated on one of my most favorite KISS albums in Creatures of the Night. EASILY the best post Ace/Peter era KISS album.

Can't believe Paul and Gene are continuing the second Makeup Era of the band without Peter and Ace (somehow am not surprised about them leaving again...I figured after Psycho Circus was released, it was only a matter of time, especially with the rumors that Peter and Ace didn't fully contribute to the album)...but then again, I guess they figure if they could get by without 'em the first time, they could do it a second time. But I'm sorry, if they were not doing the makeup, it would work. But with the makeup? Sorry, it's gotta be Peter and Ace wearing that stuff AND nobody else.

Have you gotten the DVD of the concert in Australia with the symphony orchestra? Is it any good? I've been highly considering getting it for the last couple or so years.

* - Have liked what I've heard off of Carnival on the MusicChoice Metal station anyway.
 

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