Friday, February 08, 2008

 

Katz Teleconference Exclusive

As a service to our readers, here is the transcript of new Oilers owner Daryl Katz speaking with assorted media types on Wednesday afternoon.
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Katz
: It's a pleasure to be with you today under these happy circumstances, and I'm excited to get all the paperwork completed and move forward as the owner of the best franchise in the NHL. I'm happy to take questions at this time.

Terry Jones, Edmonton Sun: Yes, Daryl: can you sleep at night knowing that you've made your billions on the backs of the sick and unfortunate, many of whom can't make it through a single day without your marked-up products?

Katz: Adequate sleep is a key part of a healthy lifestyle, Terry, as well as regular exercise and a balanced diet. Though I suppose I don't need to go into detail here, look who I'm talking to.

Dan Barnes, Edmonton Journal: During the bid process, you referenced your willingness to contribute $100M to the construction of a downtown arena "...for the team and the City if that's what the people of Edmonton want." Could you clarify if that means you would contribute that money towards a facility that would be owned by the City/Northlands, or if you expect the people of Edmonton to cover the rest of the costs for a facility you would own?

Katz: The Katz Group is a privately held company.

Vue Weekly: There's a Facebook group called Daryl Katz is Batman. How do you respond to comparisons between you and Bruce Wayne?

Katz: Well, there are obvious differences. Batman fights diabolical geniuses with a series of crime fighting weapons that he pays for himself; I'm more the kind of guy who gets rid of winos and crackheads with my new arena-shaped, publicly-financed wino/crackhead ray.** Yes, Matty, go ahead.

Jim Matheson, Edmonton Journal: In Lowe's defence, if he had known that the salary cap would be going up, he might have done things a bit differently.

Katz: Is that a question? Your voice didn't even go up at the end.

David Staples, Edmonton Journal: I have a follow-up. The Lowe-lynchers would have you forget that he signed Mathieu Garon at a great price, and he might be the MVP this season.

Katz: Thanks for that. Yes, Terry.

Jones: Did you see that ad during the Super Bowl, where the drug dealer is complaining about slow business because kids are getting high off of stuff from the medicine cabinet? How do you look at yourself in the mirror each morning?

Katz: Standing on expensive Italian tile, heated to a comfortable temperature.

John Mackinnon: Any chance of bringing in Bill Butler as a partner for the downtown arena development? He seems like a hell of a guy.

Katz: Maybe if we need some additional financing. [Katz & Mackinnon both laugh]

Mark Messier, Private Citizen: Have you ever hired someone to be a Rexall VP because he was an excellent pharmacist?

Katz: No.

Messier: Dang.

Matheson: In Lowe's defence, it's hard to know how good this team is on account of all the injuries. Souray and Moreau alone have missed a combined 68 games.

Katz: Let's just say that intelligent people can disagree on what constitutes "foreseeable".

Barnes: You must have appreciated the vote of confidence from Wayne Gretzky. Would you say you're more of a McNall type, or a Pocklington type?

Katz: I have no comment. It's my preference to be private and to keep a low profile.

hockeybuzz.com: Can we expect any immediate changes? I'm hearing Pitkanen and Reasoner to the Rangers for Marek Malik and a 1st-rounder.

Katz: I gotta confess: I made that one up for my NHL rumours blog, but I'll be shutting that down now. Last question.

Mike W, Covered In Oil: How do you expect to fare in your first Hot-Off on Hot Oil?

Katz: If they do shirtless, I'd expect to at least make the semis. Thanks for coming out, everyone. [Gets into Batmobile, drives away.]

**Great line courtesy of mc79hockey

Labels:


Comments:

Okay, that was awesome.
 


Great stuff Matt!
 


Fuck you guys, you made me spit Orangina out my nose onto the computer monitor screen.

Just terrific.

Speaking of terrific, Orangina and the man we call Fernando:

The "Pisani"
1 oz. Disarronno Amaretto
1/2 oz. Galliano
Orangina

Mix the three ingredients over ice. Garnish with one Maraschnio cherry.

Cures hangovers. Also helps reverse leporsy, aides in the gradual development of cat-like night vision, and prevents eight forms of cancer. (Note: proof of the last paragraph worth of claims nothing more than hearsay)


Yeah, haven't posted that anywhere before. Here seemed like as good a place as any. It was invented sometime last winter.
 


That Staples one is even better, considering his latest post.
 


"John Mackinnon: Any chance of bringing in Bill Butler as a partner for the downtown arena development? He seems like a hell of a guy.

Katz: Maybe if we need some additional financing. (Katz & Mackinnon both laugh)"

Geez that was sweet!

Anybody check Workopolis out yet for Pat Laforge's resume? Probably under the "professional weasels for hire" section.
 


Okay, to begin with that Staples article, Souray has been solid at times this year when he has played. Not "stupendous" or whatever David used, SOLID! Problem being is that to have success in today's NHL, you cannot pay 6 million dollars for SOLID. I know I am just reiterating points that various others in the oilogosphere have made, but eff, when will others figure this out?
 


Geez that was sweet!

MacKinnon was just laying into Butler on his blog. It really was amazing.
 


MacKinnon has been kicking ass and taking names lately. I for one welcome this development.
 


Hilarious.

Very Frank Magazine.
 


If only you guys could use your genius for goodness instead of . . .gut-busting laughs.
Wickedly funny.
 


Hey, do you guys always just sit around and congratulate each other on your brilliant posts?

You waste all your superlatives on each other, when you know as well as I do that you should be saving them for Sheldon "Denis Potvin 2007" Souray. ;).
 


Yeah, enough hilarity: I want to hear more about this crazy new "error stat" that has tongues wagging throughout the hockey world.
 


As long as we're adding to this:

Matheson: I don't want to sound like I'm shilling for Lowe but -

Katz: It's about seven years too late for you to start worrying about that.

Graham Hicks, Edmonton Sun: Mr. Cats - sorry, I hope that that's the right pronunciation, it would be unbelievable for a reporter to have listened to the first fifteen minutes of this press conference and get that wrong, particularly given the fact that you've been all over the news for the last month and a half - why don't you hate Edmonton and why haven't you left, like all of us would, given half a chance?

Katz: It's not important where I am in January and February.

(Okay, that one was actually pretty much real)

Bob Stauffer, TEAM 1260: Joffrey Lupul, Arte Moreno, MacT doesn't breed offensive confidence, the Oilers get their show run without Laraque?

Katz: I'm sorry, I don't quite follow the question. Can you expand on that or do you have something else?

Bob Stauffer, TEAM 1260: Joffrey Lupul, Arte Moreno, MacT doesn't breed offensive confidence, the Oilers get their show run without Laraque!?!?!?!

Katz: Ok, look, I don't even think that you've managed to form a sentence there. I'm going to have to let someone else ask a question here -

Stauffer [interjecting]: JOFFREY LUPUL, ARTE MORENO, MACT DOESN'T BREED OFFENSIVE CONFIDENCE, THE OILERS GET THEIR SHOW RUN WITHOUT LARAQUE?!??!?!

Katz: Next.
 


i also believe the new owner is looking to re-name the team from the Oilers to the

EDMONTON CRACK KATZ.
 


Kerry Diotte: Mr. Katz, a lot of people want to know when you are moving this team...

Katz; I'm not moving the team. I just pledged $100 million for an arena, why would I...

Kerry Diotte: Pocklington, Mr. Katz. Pocklington.

Dan Tencer: Daryl, I was just talking to Gary on the phone, and he says this deal is all but done. If I give you a twenty, can you go into the liquor store and buy me a case of Molson?

Katz: That seems very bureaucratic. Have I mentioned that at Rexall, we don't have any bureaucracy?

David Staples: Mr. Katz, have you ever read Allan Mitchell over at Lowetide? He's the Jean Beliveau, Godfather, Buddha, and Jesus of the Oilogosphere. I think he actually invented the internet.

Katz: It's probably not fair to speculate, but I'd say as soon as possible.

David Staples: What?

Katz: Boys on the Bus.
 


"Mr. Katz, have you ever read Allan Mitchell over at Lowetide? He's the Jean Beliveau, Godfather, Buddha, and Jesus of the Oilogosphere. I think he actually invented the internet

Holy S***! Lowetide is Al Gore?
 


Awesome stuff.

Just two things.

1: To MC, any Stauffer satire isn't complete without some reference to CIAU sports

2: Matt, how come I didn't get an 'invite' to this?:)
 


This comment has been removed by the author.
 


I laughed out loud at Tyler's Stauffer questions. Very funny stuff.

And Gary: since Daryl Katz is going to be hands on it may as well be "Edmonton Crack-R-Katz."

Boys on the bus.
 


LOL.

This is some hilarious shit. Both Andy and Tyler.

Like fuck, man.
 

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