The Battle of Alberta: The Legend of San Fernando

Sunday, December 02, 2007

The Legend of San Fernando

"Fernando Pisani's touch heals crippled children. His tears can cure the Israel-Palestine conflict. He has the power to bring back a vintage 1989 Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier to play for the Oilers for the league minimum salary, but thinks that would be cheating."

--Lord Bob

Fernando Pisani keeps Alberta rat-free. His voice melts minds. Pisani can impregnate women with a single twitch of the eyebrow. He wrote Citizen Kane during a break from splitting the atom. Pisani could have won Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals by himself, but didn't want Clay Aikens to come in second place for a second time. He was a Solid Gold Dancer, but got kicked off the show because Dionne Warwick kept staring at his enormous codpiece. Pisani once made Lee Majors cry. He was one of the original Three Magi, but dropped out because he felt that the other two's gifts for Jesus were a little on the cheap side. Pisani is Robert Goulet's mustache. He inspired Stan Lee and Jack Kirby to create Captain America. Pisani eats sharks for breakfast--after bare-knuckle boxing them to death.

Feel free to add to the legend...

# posted by andy grabia @ 7:54 pm

Comments:

How can you mention Sharks and not Ducks?

# posted by

Mustafa Hirji : December 02, 2007 10:05 pm

It's just good enough for me that Pisani gets the puck out when he has a chance and can cover his check and break up scoring chances:)

OK, I'll throw something else in though:

Fernando Pisani could post a .900 Sv Pct for the Flames but that would hurt the feelings of Oilers fans and Kiprusoff alike.

# posted by

Dennis : December 02, 2007 10:12 pm

Gold, Dennis! GOLD!

# posted by

Mustafa Hirji : December 02, 2007 10:22 pm

Those are stolen off Chuck Norris who incidentally doesnt mow the lawn. He dares it to grow

# posted by

Anonymous : December 02, 2007 11:01 pm

Those are stolen off Chuck Norris

Really? Chuck Norris keeps Alberta rat free? He could have won Stanley Cup game 7? He's the solution to the Flames' goaltending problems? I must have missed those Chuck Norris facts. Or you're just full of shit - either/or.

# posted by

"Steve Smith" : December 03, 2007 12:22 am

He keeps us safe from hobo terrorists

# posted by

Sean M. : December 03, 2007 4:38 am

Ulcerative colitis was a cover story. In actual fact Fernando Pisani ate a dirty bomb to save a senior citizens home.

# posted by

Unknown : December 03, 2007 6:20 am

Fernando Pisani can score goals like it's going out of style, but only when he has a new contract to negotiate.

(Good to have him back in the NHL though.)

# posted by

Matt : December 03, 2007 7:18 am

Ulcerative colitis was a cover story. In actual fact Fernando Pisani ate a dirty bomb to save a senior citizens home.

Awesome.

# posted by

andy grabia : December 03, 2007 8:44 am

In his time off, Fernando visited The Virgin Islands. Now they're just called The Islands (yes, from CN)

# posted by

Anonymous : December 03, 2007 10:51 am

Fernando Pisani can stop a hurricane with a flick of his stick.

http://coveredinoil.blogspot.com/2007/12/miraculous-return-of-fernando-pisani.html

# posted by

Anonymous : December 03, 2007 11:09 am

The Mindbender rollercoaster at West Edmonton Mall is powered by burning the t-shirt Fernando Pisani wears under his equipment.

# posted by

Anonymous : December 03, 2007 11:42 am

Didn't Fernando impregnate Andy Grabia in the Cup Run of '06?

# posted by

Black Dog : December 03, 2007 12:02 pm

fernando pisani is actually the man behind universal health care in canada. fernando was having a few beers with douglas one night and innocently commented "universal health care....now that's an idea i'd be willing to stand up for". the rest is history.

# posted by

heed : December 03, 2007 12:03 pm

Er, nerd alert... it was Joe Simon and Jack Kirby that created Captain Fernan...America.

# posted by

Ribs : December 03, 2007 12:24 pm

Er, nerd alert... it was Joe Simon and Jack Kirby that created Captain Fernan...America.

I had Galactus in there originally. Honest. How embarrassing.

# posted by

andy grabia : December 03, 2007 12:34 pm

Didn't Fernando impregnate Andy Grabia in the Cup Run of '06?

Please put in proper format, McLean.

# posted by

andy grabia : December 03, 2007 12:34 pm

I am trying to convince my wife to name our baby Fernando. Keep 'em coming so I can formulate a winning argument.

# posted by

kanadienkyle : December 03, 2007 12:41 pm

I am trying to convince my wife to name our baby Fernando. Keep 'em coming so I can formulate a winning argument.

Just don't use 34. I've called dibs.

# posted by

andy grabia : December 03, 2007 12:48 pm

Classic post - June 18th - the day before the world began to crash down around us.

Sigh. We were so young and innocent then.

Except for you Andy - you slut.

# posted by

Black Dog : December 03, 2007 12:56 pm

If we're gonna rip off Chuck Norris facts, let's do it right...

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Fernando Pisani.

Fernando Pisani doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Fernando Pisani has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Fernando Pisani.

Fernando Pisani does not sleep. He waits.

Fernando Pisani counted to infinity - twice.

When Fernando Pisani does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Fernando Pisani is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Fernando Pisani can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Fernando Pisani doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Fernando Pisani gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Fernando Pisani does not get frostbite. He bites frost.

# posted by

Anonymous : December 03, 2007 1:06 pm

* The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Fernando Pisani played in second grade.

* Fernando Pisani is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis

# posted by

Oilman : December 03, 2007 2:11 pm

Fernando Pisani's touch heals crippled children

...beautiful

# posted by

Anonymous : December 03, 2007 2:15 pm

If we're gonna rip off Chuck Norris facts, let's do it right...

You mean by just re-writing the Chuck Norris facts with Fernando's name in them? How degrading to Pisani. Let's get something straight: Chuck Norris is the poor-man's Fernando Pisani. Pisani lends Chuck Norris his beard during the regular season, and then rips it off Norris' face for the playoffs. Pisani was also originally cast as the lead in Delta Force, but didn't want to star in a romantic comedy with that pussy Lee Marvin. Norris is Pisani's sidekick. Pisani once fought Bill Brasky on Mount Olympus, and sent him to Hades with a black eye and a busted hymen. So don't talk to me about Chuck Norris. Especially since the "Chuck Norris Facts" came from the "Vin Diesel Facts", which is really just a play on an old improv game called "Two Describe a Third."

# posted by

andy grabia : December 03, 2007 2:52 pm

It takes 2 to 4 barrels of water to produce one barrel of oil from the oil sands, or three fluid ounces of Pisani's urine.

# posted by

Anonymous : December 03, 2007 3:12 pm

I knew I could count on Andy to take it up to that next level.

My apologies to Fernando.

Chuck Norris? WHAT was I thinking???

# posted by

Anonymous : December 03, 2007 3:27 pm

There was the time when the cable on the Edmonton Incline Railway snapped.
Both cars, of course, went hurtling into the valley
Playing below were five-year-old twins Tommy & Mary McDougal and their puppy, Bannockburn.

Fernando, hip checked one car into the other
Both went spinning harmlessly past the tots

Of course today, people don't even think about this incident as they wend their way up McDougal Hill each morning to work.

# posted by

Anonymous : December 03, 2007 7:00 pm

Fernando Pisani went back in time so he could father HIMSELF.

Fernando Pisani handcuffed lightning and threw THUNDER's ass in jail (courtesy of Dolomite).

also, he totally knows the Caramilk secret.

# posted by

gary b : December 03, 2007 7:02 pm

Fernando Pisani can stop a hurricane simply by plucking a hair from his upper lip and tossing it into the gail force winds.

# posted by

Anonymous : December 03, 2007 7:43 pm

Fernando Pisani can score goals like it's going out of style, but only when he has a new contract to negotiate.

Fernando Pisani knew what the effect of his playoff performance would do his price and tried to get the Oilers to sign him for less than half the price before it happened.

# posted by

Anonymous : December 04, 2007 11:24 am

Fernando Pisani could have seduced Pronger into staying but he respects the sacred vows of marriage too much.

# posted by

Anonymous : December 05, 2007 9:08 am