Friday, September 28, 2007

 

Open Season, Open Mike

So I've been pondering a way to have the readers and other bloggers note their outlook on the pending NHL season. Straight predictions are too flavourless, so I figured (just this once!), why not do something that prominently features arrogance, bombast, and profanity? This is an internet blog: why not play to type for a change? Hell, we all want to be optimistic about our team's season anyway.

So the challenge is this: rhyme it. The 16-line rhyme should be "to the tune of" The Geto Boyz' insanely catchy 1999 contribution to the soundtrack of Office Space, "Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta"; Line 1 and Line 16 are to be "Damn it feels good to be a [TEAM] fan".

Lyrics in all their NSFW-ness are here. One of those weird YouTube clips -- with the real song, but a homemade (symbolism? wat dat?) video -- is below. My own sample/entry is Comment #1. Busta Rhyme.

Comments:

Damn it feels good to be a Flames fan
With Kipper stopping all in the net
Shooters gotta hope for a lucky fuckin bounce
Cause they know that it's all they're gonna get
Damn it feels good to be a Flames fan
Dion makes the opposition cry
Catches fuckers skating with their head looked down
Then hits the bar with Kipper for a fry
Jarome has the legs and the quick shot
Tanguay is the Master of the Deal
Lombo leaves dust like Road Runner
and makes the fan girls want to squeal
So all I gotta say to you gonna-be, wanna-be
Northwest playoff bubble pranksters
When the C pulls away, what the fuck you gonna do?
Damn it feels good to be a Flames fan
 


Damn it feels good to be an Oiler fan
With all those Stanley cups, records and history
'Cause real Oiler fans never start fights
We just end 'em like Laraque Semenko or McSorley
And Hemmer's always gonna dangle
Letting all his boys do the shooting
And real Oilers don't need to flex nuts
'Cause those Hot Oil bitches know they all got 'em
And everything's cool in the mind of an Oiler fan
'Cause Rollie just might take us to the promised land
With Penner and the freaky-eyed Horcoff
With Souray and level-headed Staios
All I gotta say to you
Wannabe, gonnabe, cocksuckin', pussy dreaming Falmes fans
When even Jarmoe grew up cheering for the Oilers man
Damn it feels good to be an Oiler Fan
 


[clap clap clap] Nice one Drizzler.

Also, while I'm good with just about any profanity in the verses, no use of 'niggaz' please. I'm not interested in justifying this, I'm simply not comfortable with it.
 


Damn, it feels good to be an Oilers fan
all this fresh hype about that guy named Cog-li-an...
Oh, and the other young guy, what's his name - Sam Gagner.
And good starts by Brodzie and Nilsson and Thoreson.


We all know that Hemmers' gonna dangle all freakin' night
trying to set up Dustin Penner and Horc.
We know that Stortini's gonna tangle, punch and fight
and Souray and Stoll got the big guns to uncork.

Chopper's gonna lead by example
Staios, Green, Gilbert, and Pitkanen will defend.
Nothing really rhymes with Grebeshkov,
Here's hopin' Roli and Garon save our bacon in the end.

We're really gonna miss Fernando P
Maybe Torres and Smid exceed expectations.
I still wonder who's gonna get to wear the 'C',
they'll probably use one of those captain rotations.


Damn, it feels good to be an Oilers fan
Jokin' with the all peeps in the Oilblogosphere
Here's to another lengthy run thru the playoffs
that's all, byotches - i is outta here.
 


Breaking the rules, I'll try for "the best rap EVER" rap. I actually wrote this two nights ago in a drunken stupor:

The name is OILBLOBOSPHERE and I'm here to say
Oilers give you joy and tears,
It's the price you fuckin' pay

When you fuck wit' da Oilers
Don't fuck wit' da Oilers

No Maybes babys
Aight. Take flight.
Word to ya motha, y'all are sucka MC's
Double Minor, yum. Know what I'm sayin' boyyyy?
Peace.
Fuck.
Hot Pockets.
 


So, I figure that should lower the bar for better "rapistes" who may have been intimidated by those awesome first three.
 


Damn it feels good to be a Flames fan
TEH COILERS are going straight down
With ten NHLers and a whole buncha scrubs
And Matt Greene, pokey ass-clown
Oiler forwards suck in all shapes and colours
Hemsky and a whole bunch of zeroes
But the one thing they all have in common
Is the ugly copper patches on their elbows
The goalie's ancient, star Dman is a redwood
The number one centre can't score
The hope is for breakouts from a bunch of fuckin punks
Where have we heard that same shit before
So all I wanna say to you toes-crossed, fingers-crossed
Eyes-crossed, ugly-ass Oil man
When you start 3 and 9, what the fuck you gonna do?
Damn it feels good to be a Flames fan
 


I like that one from "Woooo!!", but wasn't the idea to write about YOUR team? makes you wonder, is all.
 


20 was too much for Downie. That's the same as Bertuzzi got!

On a side note, guess who is the new Ducks captain?

http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/news_story/?ID=219404&hubname=nhl
 


Damn in feels good to be a Nucks fan.

Damn it feels good to be a Nucks fan.

A real nucks fan ass cheerer plays his lines right.

A real Nucks fan ass cheerer never runs his fuckin mouth, cuz real Nucks fan ass cheerer's don't start fights.

And Avalanche fans know they gotta high cap, showing these fans how they got Ryan.

But real Nucks fan ass cheerer's don't flex twins, cuz real Nucks fan ass cheerer's know they got 'em.

But everythings cool in the mind of a Nucks fan, cuz Nucks fan ass cheerer's think long-term. Luongo's 28, the twins are 27.

So real Nucks fan ass cheerer's don't weep.

And I all I gotta say to you wannabe, gonnabe, cocksucking, pussy eatin' Flames fans.

Is- When the fire dies down, what the fuck you gonna do?

Damn it feels good to be a Nucks fan.

Damn it feels good to be a Nucks fan.

Cheering on the boys through their drills.

Watching A.V whip 'em into shape, even as Salo's wrist really kills.

Although he was born in America, Kesler's in B.C makin' steals.

Damn it feels good to be a Nucks fan.

I mean one that you don't really know.

Riding around town in my drop-top benz, watching fans bitch about every call.

Now Nucks fan ass cheerer's come in all shapes and colours. Some don't know anything about class.

But this Nucks fan here was a smart one, started condeming Cloutier, Jovo and Nazz.

But I all I gotta say to you wannabe, gonnabe, cocksucking, pussy eatin' Flames fans.

Is- When the Kip jumps off, what the fuck you gonna do?

Damn it feels good to be a Nucks fan.
 


so much anger!

but "playoff bubble pranksters" is kinda catchy.


how 'bout:

********
Damn it feels good to be a Leafs fan.
Altho mostly it makes me wanna cry.
It's been so long since we've been great -
was it 1968?...
I wanna fall off a tree and die.
 


Since Matt has restricted me from rewriting "Hit Em Up", I'm holding out on this one.
 


Damn it feels good to be a Ducks fan
Which I'm sure you already know
Rootin' on the team to the Stanley Cup,
And I don't have to live in fucking snow.

Damn it feels good to be a Ducks fan
Disney don't own 'em any more
Burkie's built a team of playoff thugs
That'll suckerpunch you to the floor.

Goalies kicking ass in the playoffs,
Franchise Finns coming back into form,
A Swedish center kills on the checking line,
And Norris on the blueline is the norm.

So all I gotta say, expansion haters cryin'
"Anaheim shouldn't even have a team"
When superstars here can't even fucking quit,
Damn it feels good to be a Ducks fan.
 


Since Matt has restricted me from rewriting "Hit Em Up", I'm holding out on this one.

...First off, fuck you Flames
and the Cup you claim
Oilers when we slide
come equipped with game...

...We won five Cups while we were dropping rocks
You ran for cover when you saw Laraque
Mike Keenan, your team's got no finish, now you 'bout to feel the wrath of a Dennis
Iginla, we hit 'em up...

how's that for a start? :P
 


not enough Hot Pockets.
 


well, um, when in rome.
 


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