Tuesday, February 06, 2007


Oilers Game Day vs Canucks

Season Record: 26-23-4 Season Record: 29-20-4


Hey hey hey! I'm coming back to the Onion for a short visit and managed to score some tickets for the tonight's tilt against the Canucks. Grabby kindly allowed me to write the GDP for old timers sake, so I'm putting it up from the snowy confines of the Chicago Airport. It is also nice timing since Fenwick called me out of my hole with the hockey tag meme reproduced below.

But first, the game. I haven't seen a single one this season, so I don't know what is going on with these jokers. But, win tonight and they are only four back of Vancouver and Minnie for the final playoff spot and another Stanley Cup Finals appearance. We all know that neither the Wild or Canucks are any good come nut-cuttin' time, so I figure it is still about an even money proposition that we make the playoffs. The run has got to start tonight, and I betting that it does.

Prediction: 3-2 Oilers (Smyth, Torres, Smyth). Nazzy gets a pair for the Canucks.

Coach's Inspirational Words: Goddamnit Sacamano! If I put you out there are you going to mess your mini-pad?
Team: From the Heartland of Hockey, the Edmonton Oilers
Uniform Number: 33
Position: Goaltender/Leftwing
Nickname: Red Heat
Dream Linemates: Patrick Roy, Grant Fuhr
Rounding out the PP: Wayne
Job: Making sure nobody drinks from anybody else's waterbottle. No damn flus are going to take down this team on MY watch
Signature Move: El Toro: charging out for a poke check at the blue line, missing, and crashing into the far end boards
Strengths: That intentional whiffing-on-a-shot move that I taught Mario just before the Olympics. Only I use it in net.
Weaknessess: I'm an arrogant prick and a total headcase. No goal against is ever my fault, and if you touch my fuckin' sticks or talk to me on game day I'll end you.
Injury Problems? Mid lower body contusion of the upper body groin strain
Equipment: 4 Gretzky Titan wooden sticks stuck together with black electrical tape, ushanka, snowmobile mitt on the stick side, Canadian Tire plastic-leather baseball glove on the catching side, Simpson Sears Catalog pads, broomball boots
Nemesis: the fuckin' refs, man.
Scandal Involvement: Implicated in the Salt'n'Suds Scheme in which popcorn was secretly oversalted at the same time that beer prices were raised. Never proven.
Who I'd face in the Stanley Cup Finals: 1984 Soviets. I've always wanted to test my lightening fast glove hand against the KLM line
What I'd do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Give it to the crowd for them to pass around
Would the media love me or hate me? I'd be a necessary evil. I would constantly berate and ridiclue the media; but they would crave my material. In short, I'd be the Bobby Knight of goaltenders. What's it like to be in my doghouse, indeed!


Poor poor mini-pad.

Enjoy the game tonight. I think the Oilers will play well, so their fate lies, as always in the hands of the hockey gods.

(Aside: We haven't heard "nut-cuttin' time" around here in awhile. It certainly is that time.)

Nazzy gets a pair for the Canucks

Wow. You really haven't seen a game all season, have you?

Welcome home, if just for a little while.

I'd prefer my own plan for the Cup but that's a nice touch.

Apparently Lowe was going to bring Dvo back just for you but then he remembered - no trades this year!

That might be the first time I've ever seen Sacs not include Dvo in the prediction. Dire things are fated for the team this eve! ;)

Awesome scandal -- you win for sure.

Well tonight's game should be a beauty. A loss for the Oilers and they trail the mighty Canucks by 8 points. If the Canucks can survive the physicality that the Oilers will throw at them and not retaliate, I can see them winning.
4-2 Canucks. Danny Sedin with 2, Taylor Pyatt with 2, and Sami Salo with 1.
I don't really care who scores for the Coilers. Both of their goals could go off Ryan Smyth's ass though...

Zanstorm is Latin for: Shit! I forgot my calculator at home!
Scratch Sedin's goal total to 1 and continue laughter...

Anyone else watching Hockey Central? If the Flames get Forsberg, I'm gonna snap. Unless he gets injured in his first game, that is.

Ushanki are the shit, dude.

Me, I wouldn't worry about Peter Lindros coming in at the deadline. Laddy will look at him funny and give him a pulled Eustachian tube that'll put him out four to six, by which point the Flames will be safely ensconced in their golf carts.

Boy, Ray Ferraro sure doesn't like Matt Cooke. Cooke starts a bunch of shit, and Ferraro says, "well, we know how this one will end: no fights." Total deadpan while he says it, but you could taste the disgust. Awesome.

The call was chincy. He barely even touched Cooke.

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