Wednesday, February 07, 2007


Jim Ross: Grabia is whipping Phanuef like a government mule...GOOD GOD, ALMIGHTY! THAT KILLED HIM! WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS DION IS BROKEN IN HALF!!!!

Team: Your defending Stanley Cup Champion, Edmonton Oilers.
Uniform Number: 3.
Nickname: Papa G, Peaches, Daddy, Hands, The All-Father.
Dream Linemates: NHL 93 version of Jeremy Roenick; Jari Kurri.
Rounding out the PP: Gene Simmons and Wilt Chamberlain, obviously.
Job: Keeping Glenn Anderson and Wendel Clark away from each other in the showers; banging teammates wives in response to them not playing well.
Signature Move: Hitting both posts and the crossbar with my shot before it goes in; occasionally shooting right-handed rather than left-handed out of boredom; charging sick kids $500 for my autograph.
Strengths: Tremendous upper body strength matched with low center of gravity; no-look pass; penmanship.
Weaknesses: No Spinsies!; trucker women; The Hockey Sweater.
Injury Problems: Forced to retire after 36 seasons due to a persistent groin injury.
Equipment: Black cooperalls, clap skates, white Titan hockey stick, lacrosse gloves, and tin foil.
Nemesis: Billy Smith, Darcy Tucker, Derian Hatcher, Chris Chelios and Alyssa Modano.
Scandal Involvement: With Ken Hitchcock when he suffers and dies of a heart attack. Rumours abound that the cause was the monthly “Bet a Big Mac Per Round” golf competition he and I engaged in. I vehemently deny those rumours, even as I down a Shamrock shake and a McRib.
Who I’d face in the Stanley Cup Finals: The 1982/83 New York Islanders.
What I’d do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Have my father’s name (Basil Grabia) engraved on it.
Would the media love me or hate me?I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing the tatoo of my name inside a heart on Pierre Maguire's left shoulder indicates I'm a media darling.


Best. Post. Ever.

I recant my original statement. Upon further consideration, it is the Worst. Post. Ever.

You do realize that #3 has been retired for 27 years, right? Otherwise, awesome.

You do realize that #3 has been retired for 27 years, right? Otherwise, awesome.

You do realize I said one of my linemates would be from a video game, right?

Heh heh.

I'm trying to think of a worse menu item than the Shamrock shake and McRib, but I can't think of it.

So, I have one question:

Which eye?

Left eye.

Well, if you threw Phaneuf off the top of a steel cage, even I would bow to your greatness!!

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