Friday, July 07, 2006

 

Working For The Weekend

Cue up the cowbell, because I'm going to be out of town for the next couple of days. I can't tell you exactly what I'll be doing, but I can say that it involves the sovereign nation of Latveria and a surfboard.

Until I (hopefully) return, amuse yourself with the brilliance of Mr. Fenwick, who should be delivering that Jarmoe post any day now, as well as others in the Oilogosphere. Tyler dropped a meandering post this evening, devoid of commas and semicolons (as per usual). IOF has a new member, and a new post. Now that Marty Reasoner is back in Oilers digs, Loxy will likely be preoccupied with her friend. But she may come up for air some time soon, so be sure to check her out. Black Dog and Lowetide will likely have new content up by tomorrow, so check them out, too. Mike, PM and Chris! are probably drunk and debating about whether they would rather take Dave Brown, Dave Semenko, or Le GG into a streetfight with them. Keep an eye out for a post on that, or just one of Chris! pouring wine down Mike's Heston-like hairshirt. And last but not least, my boy Avi has delivered a post that warms by Moneyball-loving heart. It's all about exploiting market inefficiencies , baby! Bring on the cripples!


***Update*** Hell, let's make it our own game. Cosh started it with a wise move, but I fear Le GG is too timid to go into an streetfight with. So here's the question: Which Oiler, current or alum, would you take with you into an streetfight? Not some dance in a ring, either. An all-out, dirty, no-holds-barred brawl in the back streets. Maybe even give a top-three list if you so desire. I'm easy. And my surfboard blew up tonight, so apparently I'm not going away for the weekend. I knew I shouldn't have disobeyed the World Devourer!!!

Comments:

Mike, PM and Chris! are probably drunk and debating about whether they would rather take Dave Brown, Dave Semenko, or Le GG into a streetfight with them.

The GG has 30 pounds on those other guys and may be the strongest person ever to play in the NHL. Even though I never got the sense he liked fighting, I don't think there can be a serious debate there. Well, maybe if you were real drunk.
 


Good point, but Brown was bat-shit crazy. I would have to take him in with me. Interestingly, the guy who first popped into my mind when I was thinking about it was Dave Manson. I am positive that he was insane, and just the thought of his gravelly voice has liquids running down my legs.
 


And what about Brackenbury? He had those crazy eyes.
 


It's cheating, but I'd take Esa Tikkanen. He'd annoy and distract my opponents long enough that I could turn and run, and he'd get a few jabs and slashes in while doing it.
 


Marty McSorley. Definately.
 


Did you guys catch the Ken Linseman reference on TSN during the half time show the other day? Top fucking notch! I love Canadian soccer broadcasting - they try to translate things into a sport we understand.
 


Current: Raffi Torres

Past: BG
 


Kevin McLelland, to be sure. I remember a game in Northlands coloseum...I came down to watch from fort mac. The flames were in town. I had my flames flag with me. The flames won the game 3-2 if memory serves. Just minutes before the end of the game, Jim Peplinski gooned tikkanen on a face off and gave him two big shiners.

As the seconds wound down, I was hit in the back of the head with a half-full coke.

After the game (was probably 12 at the time?) I had my flag and was waving it and mocking the oilers as they left for the parking lot. Mclelland came out the door, spotted me and said "you keep waving that flag and I'll shove it up your ass."

I was horrified.

After the oilers left, the flames came out. I got signatures on said flag by...check it:

Lanny
Otto
Loob
niewendyk
Mullen
BRETT HULL
Perry Berezan...that's all I can remember...

Mclelland is the guy you want in a street fight...

Anybody remember this game?
 


Esa Tikkanen, no question.

He'd keep the aggressors distracted long enough for me to get my flamethrower lit, and then he'd dive behind me while I bombed the crap out of the hill for twelve hours.
 


They got talking about Kevin McLelland on the radio a while ago. Dude was and is crazy, that's for sure. Threatening a 12 year old doesn't seem out of character based on the stories that were coming in that day. Hell, even the media guys that followed the WHL were scared of the guy.

Some fellow called in who had owned an Edmonton restaurant back in the day, and though I've probably got the details wrong I'll relay his story anyways.

He confirmed that dude was crazy, and that everyone walked on eggshells when the guy was around because you never knew what might trigger him. He'd order the same kind of soup every time (mushroom soup maybe?) and then ask for all of the key ingredient (mushrooms) to be removed. Picture some poor bastard busboy fishing mushrooms out of soup with a teaspoon in the back, terrified that he might miss one. I don't think Kevin paid either.

Again, I surely have a lot of the details wrong in the ditty above. It's a second hand story. But I caught the gist of it I think.

Which gives some indication of just how mean and crazy Behn Wilson was. He of the "if I'm not traded to a city with a good opera I'm retiring!" fame. Because the player polls gave Behn the nod for "meanest player in the NHL" for several years in a row during the heart of McLelland's brief NHL career.

Back to topic: Anyone who didn't take Georges as their ally in this fictional scenario is heading towards a fictional ass kicking. To big, too strong, too quick. Equally good with left and right hands. Can take a punch as well. Just a terrific fighter, best there has ever been in my opinion.
 


Yeah, but, in a street fight, the biggest, strongest, best fighter doesn't always win. In a Marquis de Queensbury bareknuckle fisticuffs match, obviously it's le GG; in a fight where garbage cans, pool cues, windows and whatever else is handy could come into play, I think you want a man with a high chance of going apeshit/doing something so batshit insane nobody wants to go near him.

To that end, Manson and McClelland are both pretty good choices, though my money would probably be on Brown: not only is he a big, mean fighter anyway, the guy had a well-documented history of seeing red with little to no provocation, meaning you could probably expect him to do something so vile—like rip a guy's eye out with his teeth, or something—that the rest of the fighters would be thrown into some kind of existential depression.

If we were going to go league-wide, there's probably a lot of candidates, but to limit it to players I've actually seen play, I'd probably say Sergio Momesso. The man was the reason for Dave Manson's gravelly voice, if you'll recall his two-hander across Mr. Manson's throat, and of any NHLer I've ever seen, he's probably the only one who I would consider likely to pull a Happy Gilmore and try to kill somebody with his skate.
 


Oh yeah: Loxy, in a street fight, Raffi Torres would get his ass handed to him so many times he wouldn't even have a free hand to punch with. He's big and a little crazy, sure, but he lacks any sense of creativity; he'd bring a beer bottle to a chair fight, to put it another way.
 


I was going for the overall craziness factor with Raffi.

Isn't the best way to win a streetfight to scare the opponent into not having one at all?

I can imagine Raffi pushing a dumpster down the street as if he intends to use it.

Then I just hope I'm faster than Raffi.
 


pleasure motors:

I disagree. All these guys who see red and can't control their rage ... they would and will suddenly find composure when Georges Laraque or Bob Probert skate past.

Manson was as mean as they come, lots of guys paid a ridiculous price for venturing into the crease against him. And I remember watching a DET-EDM game where Probert skated into the low slot and parked himself. Apparently that spot was a cusp in the hockey continuum, because Manson simply couldn't see him. He skated around the general area for about 30 seconds always managing to have his back to Probert and never even bump him or be looking in his general direction. It was like street theatre, quirky shit.

Eventually Probert gets a scoring chance (can't remember if he finished or not) and Manson does his best "where the hell did he come from!?" routine. Priceless.

Hell, I think a lot of us would have a chance against McLelland in a street fight. Just by becoming his first ever opponent to throw the first punch. :) A body shot. If you could get a hold of his collar with your left hand, chin down and turn him to his right, throwing above your left hand with your right. I doubt he's strong enough to stop you if you can get him there, and does he have a good enough left to make it back into the fight from there? I doubt it. Of course it would be tough to get the upper hand, I'm sure he's a good fighter. Just very beatable I'd guess.

Georges is simply not beatable by these guys, maybe with a lucky shot from someone like Dave Semenko or Tim Hunter. Or with the first strike with a weapon like a bottle or pool cue. Even then ... . And surely even the batshit crazy guys that some have mentioned aren't stupid enough to escalate things by bringing weapons of any sort into the fray against Georges.
 


And surely even the batshit crazy guys that some have mentioned aren't stupid enough to escalate things by bringing weapons of any sort into the fray against Georges.

I'd take even Bucky over Le GG in a streetfight. He'd get his ass kicked, sure, but you know he'd just keep going. In a streetfight, I want a relentless maniac unafraid of crossing the line. Le GG is tough, but its always been obvious that he doesn't enjoy fighting. I want a dude who revels in it, some guy likely to be whistling "Singing In The Rain" and giggling as he gouges out his opponent's eye with a spoon.
 


Re: Kenny Linseman:

My bantam coach played in the OHL at the same time as The Rat. Once, a guy on our team took a wild upward swing at an opponent, from his knees. I paraphrase Coach from our next practice:

"Never get into anything when you're on your knees. A teammate of mine did that to Kenny Linseman once, and as God as my witness, Ken reared back and kicked the guy right between the eyes. I don't think he woke up until the next morning."

Anyway, I'd consider taking Linseman.
 


I'd take Gretzky or Kurri.

They're too good, too composed. You know there's some deep dark rage in there somewhere that'd come out in a moment of crisis that'd have them blindly kick someone's ass where you have to drag them out. A la Punch Drunk Love style.

The police reports would be spectacular. "But he's Wayne Gretzky. I didn't think he'd hit me."
 


Raffi Torres is simply not getting enough credit in this post.

The guy is a maniac. Absolutely insane. I think his goal against San Jose was to dismantle the entire second line. He got 2/3's done, and if there was a Game 7 I don't think Patrick Marleau would be the same man.

In a street fight, gimme Raffi. Someone said he'd bring a bottle to a chair fight? I'm sure he would. Except he'd fill it with lemon juice, vinegar and probably take a wizz in it too... before getting within five feet of the guy and just throwing it at his face.

Raffi is big, a little stupid, and absolutely insane. What more could you want?

(Besides, what kind of fun is it to always pick Georges? I take crazy over big anyway.)
 


I suppose picking MacTavish would be crossing into horrific taste. I feel shame for even thinking it.

Anyway, Raffi may bring a bottle to a chair fight, but Dave Brown would bring a chain saw. Without even knowing there was going to be a fight. Crazy trumps strong in any street fight.
 

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