Tuesday, May 09, 2006

 

Karma Busters


It has come to my attention that the reason the Oilers lost the last two games is because Andy Grabia, of Sports Matters infamy, shaved his playoff beard. Believe me, I was as shocked as you--he never seemed like a gutless bastard in the past.

He claimed that he was immune to the disastrous karmic retributions because of the "Necessary for Work" clause; but after questioning him about the nature of his work, I discovered that the guy is a "writer" who "works out of his apartment", usually in his superman pj's and bunny slippers, and that his only daily face-to-face social interaction is with the bartender at Scholars Pub on 87th Avenue. I don't know about the rest of you, but it seems unlikely to me that having a beard makes it more difficult to turn on your laptop, string words together, or drink campari and soda.

But, let's be fair, Andy probably wasn't the only fan who royally screwed up this post-season, and he did email me to find out how to repair the damage (regrow the beard? keep shaving? put on a falsey? get implants?). Afterall, it has been pointed out that I, myself, may have tempted fate more than was necessary by changing the "comments" to "Bitter Laments...Triumphant Insights." I'd be more convinced if the context of my triumphalism wasn't the Battle of Alberta, which was clearly won by Edmonton this year, but, hey, maybe the Hockey Gods have all the subtlety of Fenwick.

So, two questions for the comment section:
  1. What Karmic Busting action did you engage in--or not engage in--that killed Edmonton's chances to win the first two games of the series? Come on, you know you screwed up something.

    Did you wash your lucky socks? Did you forget to wear your sweater on game day? Did you use an inappropriate fishing metaphor to describe the Oilers chances against the Sharks? Did you drink your beer too slowly? Too quickly? Did you prematurely flash your boobs on Whyte Avenue?

  2. What do you plan to do in order to atone for your error?
  3. If we all act quickly enough, we can turn this ship around. So stink up those socks, get your wife/mother to lay out your sweater so you don't forget to wear it tomorrow, stock up on your usual beer (stay away from the sale items!), and strap in those glands until we actually have something worth celebrating.

And Andy, the answer to your question is that you must shave tonight in order to start afresh. The growth you have going now is tainted and is killing the team. You don't need to start growing another playoff beard; but if you do decide to try again, you better be committed to letting her ride until the very end. If you inappropriately shave it a second time I can't predict what might happen.

Comments:

Grabia, you son of a goat-sucking bitch!!! I'm sicking the HF jackals on you!

"1>What Karmic Busting action did you engage in--or not engage in--that killed Edmonton's chances to win the first two games of the series? Come on, you know you screwed up something."

Are you kidding? I'm gold! I've been practicing my usual lowered expectations/pessimism/reverse psychology, and I haven't altered my routine in any startling way (easy to do when you work full-time and feel compelled to watch hockey all of the time).

It's all Grabia's fault (and to a lesser extent, soundly executed hockey by the Sharks of San Jose).
 


You know what the real answer is Sac? He's now got to shave his legs. And chest.

Now that's punishment.

Failure to do so will result in a 3-0 deficit.
 


and eyebrows.
 


Mrs. Sac agrees with Mirtle -- except that it should be a wax.

Her exact words: "If he's gonna shake off the bad karma, he's gotta go the distance."
 


I launched a painfully lame and unoriginal website, activated it after the Oil lost two straight, and then put this sentence on the site:

"Don't forget that the site is slowly growing, so please appreciate the lack of content for now :)"

I'm feeling a lot of shame right now.
 


re: the above comment - God, I amuse myself.
 


It's done.
 


I came back to BC!!! That's the problem. No worries though. I fly out this afternoon to Alberta for games 2 & 3! Victory here we come! Plus, I haven't done my prayers while I'm as close to God as I'll ever get (via Air Canada) asking for Oiler victories. That will be corrected in a few hours BEFORE game time.

Now I just have to figure out where to fly for the next round. This SC race is costing me tonnes of money!
 


Does showing Man-Boobs prematurely count?
 


PS: Do you think it's wise to post a picture of that sellout damien on here? It smuts up the integrity of the Oilers!
 


It's Damon.
 


Lyndon Golanowski should be public enemy number one in Calgary. Why he's not, I have no idea.
 


Edmonton damn it, Edmonton.
 


I know it's damon, i was a loyal red sox and damon watcher but i prefer comparing him to the anti-christ. maybe that should be marleau's name! we don't hate the sharks as much as we should, that's also been a problem. in the previous round we had the hate-on for cheerios and that zetterburger character. the same effort must be made for the sharks.

It's so hard, to dislike thornton (since i've had him in previous hockey pools) and cheechoo but we must!!

It's time for us to send cheechoo fishing. it's time for us to make joe spend more time with his model girlfriend so she can question why she's with him in the first place. i don't know much about marleau but he needs to go golfing.
 


1. Watched the game in my parents' bedroom (living-room TV was taken) and wore Dad's old blue-and-orange jersey.

2. Well, the living room TV should be free tonight, and I'm going jersey-free.
 


hard to dislike Thornton. Why? He's a playoff bum. He's only got 5 points and he's minus 2. Bernier the rookie is playing better with his 5 points and is plus 5. We should be focusing our checking line more on Marleau who is by far their best player with 11 points. The Sharks even have 2 defensemen that have more points than Thornton. He's not any good in the playoffs. Samsonov is playing way better than his old teammate Thornton, he has 8 points in 8 games.

oilerzz in 6, the blue mile is goimg to rock
 


ANSWER THE QUESTION, PEOPLE! MAN UP!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WRONG, AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO CORRECT IT!?

It's 5 hours til game time. HURRY!


p.s. best move the Sox ever made, letting Damon go to the Yankees. but that is another story.
 


Sorry, I lost my Oilers hat at a stag party at the tail end of the Detroit series; I did, however, start a playoff beard right after the wedding.
 


I don't know if I can drink as much as I did during round 1... I'm working full-time now. I'll give it my best.
 

Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?