Tuesday, May 30, 2006

 

Impending Tragedy

David Shoalts (hattip Mirtle) has confirmed my worst nightmare.

Stanley Cup Schedule:
Don't worry you say, there will be a tee-vee where you are going, right? At the very least there will be internet, right?

Sadly, no. Fire up the ole google earth or mapquest and punch in these coordinates: 53o05'28"N and 106o48'44"E. Go ahead, check of all those search parameters for "bars/clubs", "lodging" "sports venues". Heck, save yourself some time and just check off "populated places".

I'm so depressed.

Comments:

I wish I could help you out with another superprediction, but I'm not confident the Oilers are gonna win this before you leave. So how are you gonna get word of the series?
 


So how are you gonna get word of the series?

I think the ripple-effects of hell freezing over should be felt evenly across the globe, no?
 


The Oilers in Four. Just for you.
 


Only Cosh may utter the words! Although even that didn't work last time.
 


Have the Oilers recruited you to try and sign Mikhnov or something?

That's just terrible. Terrible. Your team goes to the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time in 16 years and you're going to Siberia? It's like the plot of a bad Jimmy Fallon movie.
 


Tragic. Downright tragic. Maybe some brave Oilers nerd will FTP a playable file of the game for you on a server somewhere?

Meanwhile, I'm hoping it doesn't go to game 7 since I'll have to leave Edmonton that day.
 


I knew where Sacamano was going, but it never quite hit home until Mudcrutch reframed the issue. The guy is literally being sent to Siberia.
 


A cruel cruel joke.

If it does go to 7 it looks like Manzurka is about a two day trip away. Or maybe its twenty days?

Bring plenty of sled dogs.

Sorry.

You know they're totally going to win now, right?

So that's a good thing.
 


Time for a day-trip to Irkutsk, where apparently "The Krillova sports bar on Kubeshev Street offers televised sports, inexpensive drinks, and a good selection of American-style food."

Who knew? (Well, you probably did, but to the rest of us it's a wonder.)
 


Not to go off-topic, but does it seem utterly ridiculous to anyone else that the Finals might not end until June 19th? We could be 2 days away from literally having hockey played in the summer season.
 


Irkutsk looks like it's about 300km as the crow flies, so, what, that's about a 3-hour drive down the highway, right?
 


Pardon me, 150km! You can practically ride your bike, dude!
 


You could always man up and not go. Some things are more important than science.
 


Given that the word on the streets is there are going to be next to no playoff tickets and I'm rebuffing the chance to pay some stupid "fan" $1000 for a seat in the upper bowl, I'm now looking at Game 5 in Raleigh or Buffalo. For the price of two round trip airfare, accommodations and tickets, I could sit in the nose bleeds at Rexall. Ridiculous.

So here's hoping the Oilers win it in 5.
 


Edmonton chief-of-police Joffrey Selanne:

"We are clearly better than these rioters, we just need to stop beating ourselves after these Oiler victories. It's time to step up and take it one rioter at a time."
 


Larry Brooks says they've offered Jagr $10mil a year to play there and that the NHL is going to fold because of the competition. So at least you'll have some quality hockey to watch.
 


Sacamano you can still stream the radio broadcast over the internet from CHED's website. While it lacks a picture, at least you won't have to hear Bob Cole and Harry Neale, silver lining and all. But hey, at least you'll know what's going on. And if they win it you can be sure that there will be a "collectable dvd" to buy so you can catch the games then.
 


I think the problem is that he won't have any internet access. Otherwise he could just download a bittorrent of the game 6 hours after it happens and watch it like it was live.

That is, assuming he has a highspeed connection out there....

Irkstuk is looking like the best option at the moment.
 


And thus we learn the bitter penance that Sac must pay for the Oilers' success. It's almost martyr-like. He must sacrifice his hockey-life for the sake of all Oiler fans.
 


Dear God. We are in the presence of the Hockey Christ. He even has the beard.
 


I'm kind of upset that Mirtle made me look like a genius in that entry of his. Now I can't bust his balls for, like, a year.
 


ok sacamano don't lose hope - one of my best friends is a Sabres fan - we were out last night and were talking about your predicament - when les Sabres were in the final in 1999 he was in Lilongwe.

In Malawi.

That's between Mozambique, Tanzania and Zambia.

He saw game 6. He rented a hotel conference room (only place with TV) for a $1.72 or something like that and watched it with a bunch of locals.

Other thing to check is if there is a nearby consulate - a guy we met at the bar last night was in the Middle East and watched a big playoff game a few years back at an American consulate.

Never lose hope!
 


The title of this post should have been called "One Week in the Life of Ivan Sacamanovich."
 


Irkutsk is a wonderfully incongruous city. Historic, dilapidated, modern -- it has it all.

Internet is plentiful, and the Kirillov Sports Bar noted by Avi (if it is the one I'm thinking of) actually has self-serve beer taps at each individual table, with electronic meters on them to tell you how much to pay at the end. Fantastic.

Sadly, such a flair for technology doesn't extend to either television or toilets - both of which range from non-existent to horrific, depending on the venue.

And, while Irkutsk would normally be a decent option to find a place to watch the game (8:00pm Monday night game is an 11:00am Tuesday morning game), there are two stubbling blocks.

First, the World Cup will be on, which will dominate all non-Canadian sports channels.

Second, despite Fenwick's helpful as the crow flies calculations, I'm really not anywhere near Irkutsk in real terms. The "Highway", while extending a lot further than it used to, is still largely gravel, and the Ural that we usually travel in doesn't go particularly fast, even on pavement.

Nay friends, as hard as it is to believe, I haven't yet been able to find one of those new tree stump laptop power adaptors, nor does my spider web satellite receiver appear to be working.

But I'm working on a plan. Oh yes, I'm working on a plan.
 


Wow, that Ural is quite the grocery-getter.
 


Indeed. Очень большой.
 


Rent a soviet era helicopter to fly you from the wilds of Siberia to the nearest outpost with something resembling civilization.
 


Maybe I'm the only one out to lunch here, but what on earth does Sac do for a living that he has to be in the middle of nowhere in June?
 


Russian mafia.
 


Canadian Armed Forces. They'll never know what hit them.
 


Sounds like we're talking about a game of Risk. Ukraine is not weak.
 

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