Friday, May 05, 2006
Beard Talk
It is about this time that all those folks who started growing playoff beards (or playoff pants for the ladies), are starting to seriously question whether or not it was a good idea. You look at the playoff schedule, you look at yourself in the mirror, you look back at the playoff schedule, and you realize that you can't shave until the middle of May at minimum (May 12 if you are a particularly pessimistic Oilers fan), and quite possibly well into June.
Oh sure, the uncomfortable itchiness is long gone, but--if you are not already there--you are starting foresee the potential that your beard might actually get too big. I realize that if anyone had told you two weeks ago that your playoff beard could get too big you would have laughed them out of the room; but here you are, in Stage 5 of beard growth.
As someone with greater than average experience in growing facial hair, I thought it might be useful to go through the progression of a playoff beard -- just to help those of you over the mental hump of becoming truly bearded individuals. As an added bonus, CinO Chris! has documented the first couple of stages in his beardwatches - I hope he doesn't mind me outright ripping off his material.
1) Elation
- You get up the morning the playoffs start (or the day the regular season ends -- there is some controversy about when a playoff beard should start), look at your razor and laugh. Today is the day you start growing a beard! You are somewhat bummed that nobody at work even notices, but are secretly delighted at the feeling of stubble on your hand. If you have a girlfriend, she is unimpressed and complains that it "prickles."
- You've been growing a beard for a little while now except, well, there doesn't seem to be all that much happening. It is too short to be seen as a beard, but too scruffy for people to think that you just got up late and had to rush out of the house. In short, you look like a hobo. On top of that, it is starting to itch like hell. To quote Stage 2 Chris!: ". . . this hair is starting to drive me crazy . . what was once novel and faintly rugged has now become itchy and publically humiliating." Indeed. If you have a girlfriend, she is very unimpressed and complains that it "looks stupid".
- The itch is gone! At this stage you might be asking yourself: "Do I have a beard? Are you sure? I really think I might have a beard?" Again, to quote Stage 3 Chris! "I think I may have arrived". Alas, the answer is, no. You have not arrived. But you are only a few connectors and some cheek infill away. You probably find that you are starting to stroke your chin unconsciously. You no longer have a girlfriend, but you have suddenly made friends with a lot of Eng-Lit students.
- You have a beard! At this stage you look in the mirror and say "Damn, I look good in a beard!" or, to quote the Stage 4 Chris! "It's fucking AWESOME. Girls LOVE IT. It feels GREAT on my FACE and I never want to SHAVE AGAIN."
- And it's true. At Stage 4 virtually everyone looks fantastic. This is when your girlfriend tries to come back to you. Hold out, because this is also the stage when all those women who previously had no time for you start to take an interest. I've never really understood this, but if you stop a random woman on the street and ask her whether she would ever consider going out with a bearded guy, she will invariably say no. But show up at a bar with a Stage 4 beard and it is impossible to go home alone.
- Your beard is now full. Very full. Some might say too full. You are on the verge of crossing the threshold from Sexy Bearded Man to Goddamned Hippy.
- In the non-playoff world, this can be remedied by trimming up. In the playoff world--where trimming is generally frowned upon--you must ensure that everyone around you knows that you are growing a playoff beard. I can't emphasize this enough. If you don't let them know, then they will just assume that you spend your weekends and evenings protesting the World Bank and playing the bongos for change on Whyte Avenue. If you let them know, they can join in the fun. Everybody loves watching train wrecks, and make no mistake, if your team makes it through the second round of NHL playoffs you are that train wreck.
[Update]: Fenwick makes the excellent point in the comments that at Stage 5, "while it is permitted or even encouraged to explain the playoff beard, it is a strict no-no to apologize for the playoff beard, an act which senselessly negates its accumulated karma." Indeed. If anything, you should be indignant -- "It's my playoff beard, man, where's yours?" - NOTE: It is not acceptable at this stage to cop-out and decide that you really only want a playoff goatee or other such nonsense.
- If you decided to pick up in a bar during Stage 4, your newfound love is on the verge of splitting. If you didn't get back together with your girlfriend, you should have.
- You are a goddamned hippy. Your beard is huge and looks stupid; but your team is deep in the playoffs and looks like they might go all the way. You have become attractive to a whole new demographic of women. Stay away. I repeat, stay away.
- Your team has won the Stanley Cup and you can finally shave the dead animal off of your face, OR
- Your team has lost the Stanley Cup and you can finally shave the dead animal off of your face
- NOTE: Since you've put all this effort in, it is a bad idea to simply shave off the entire beard in one go. It is much more fun to remove it in stages (with photo documentation of each stage), and give yourself at minimum the Friendly Mutton Chops and the Hulihee. Wear them around town for a day or so, just for the fun of it.
- NOTE: After taking the whole thing off, your face will have the texture of warm mozzarella cheese, and you will have the complexion of a 14 year old.
- Your girlfriend will return but, forgetting about your Stage 4 sexyness, will stick around "only if you promise to never grow a beard again."
# posted by sacamano @ 11:44 am 
Comments:
This might be excessive praise as the co-publisher of this site, but this post is truly One For the Ages.
Out-freakin-standing.
Shaving during playoffs is unacceptable for career related issues with the single exception of job interviews -- and even then it is only permissable to trim.
Think of it this way, that piece of ID will be a terrific conversation piece for years to come.
Ruling: no shave
Perhaps you should think of it this way. Do you have the job already? If so, this really isn't and issue and sacamano's ruling should stand.
Also, there is a relevant clarification required for MC on Stage 5: while it is permitted or even encouraged to explain the playoff beard, it is a strict no-no to apologize for the playoff beard, an act which senselessly negates its accumulated karma.
Also, Bill Simmons has some extra Beard Insight in today's column:
"...Playoff Beards almost always work. So if you grow the Regular Season Beard, either you have to shave it for the playoffs, or you need to shave it into something even goofier, such as one of those horseshoe-shaped mustaches like the one belonging to Vito Spatafore's diner cook/boyfriend in New Hampshire. You just can't stand pat."
He's also not a fan of Lebron's 'chinstrap only': "..his playoff beard stands out only for its atrociously atrocious atrociousness."
The real standout detail from this post is that May 12 is the elimination date for the Oilers in the event of a Sharks sweep. That's my birthday.
Go Sharks!
Apparently, you and The Hockey News are in synchronicity on this thing. Yours is much better, even though an "Eng-Lit student" would make someone an Engineering-Literature student. What university did you do your undregraduate studies at, again?
And you forget a critical point in Elation, Part 3;
"Your team has lost the Stanley Cup and you can finally shave the dead animal off of your face."
I don't think so. Aren't you forgetting the Beard of Shame? Originally formulated in the Lagwagon song "Razor Burn" (I have even posted the song here), the Beard of Shame identifies heartbreak, depression, and of course...great shame. I have grown several Beards of Shame following breakups--its traditional application--but have also broadened out the "she" into a more metaphorical application. I have grown it several times after my teams have lost. Two in particular stand out. The "Aaron Fucking Boone" Beard of Shame of 03, and the "Donovan Fucking McNabb" Beard of Shame of 05. Take a listen to the song, and I think you will be in agreement about this application. If your team loses in the Stanley Cup Finals, your Playoff Beard should seamlessly transform into a Beard of Shame. This should carry on for 7 days after the final game. It should also apply to your team losing in earlier rounds, but the standards can be much less vigorous.
This might be excessive praise as the co-publisher of this site, but this post is truly One For the Ages.
Yeap, awesome stuff. This'll be on the sports editor's desk in the morning.
(No, not really. But it's good.)
This is indeed outfuckingstanding. Hilarious stuff.
As far as I can tell, I'm in stage four myself.
Bravo!
I can't help but think that losing Commodore and his mighty beard was somehow bad karma for the Flames. There was a man who took the whole playoff beard thing seriously.
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This might be excessive praise as the co-publisher of this site, but this post is truly One For the Ages.
Out-freakin-standing.
Shaving during playoffs is unacceptable for career related issues with the single exception of job interviews -- and even then it is only permissable to trim.
Think of it this way, that piece of ID will be a terrific conversation piece for years to come.
Ruling: no shave
Perhaps you should think of it this way. Do you have the job already? If so, this really isn't and issue and sacamano's ruling should stand.
# posted by 
: May 05, 2006 12:35 pm
: May 05, 2006 12:35 pm Also, there is a relevant clarification required for MC on Stage 5: while it is permitted or even encouraged to explain the playoff beard, it is a strict no-no to apologize for the playoff beard, an act which senselessly negates its accumulated karma.
Also, Bill Simmons has some extra Beard Insight in today's column:
"...Playoff Beards almost always work. So if you grow the Regular Season Beard, either you have to shave it for the playoffs, or you need to shave it into something even goofier, such as one of those horseshoe-shaped mustaches like the one belonging to Vito Spatafore's diner cook/boyfriend in New Hampshire. You just can't stand pat."
He's also not a fan of Lebron's 'chinstrap only': "..his playoff beard stands out only for its atrociously atrocious atrociousness."
The real standout detail from this post is that May 12 is the elimination date for the Oilers in the event of a Sharks sweep. That's my birthday.
Go Sharks!
# posted by : May 05, 2006 3:58 pm
: May 05, 2006 3:58 pm Apparently, you and The Hockey News are in synchronicity on this thing. Yours is much better, even though an "Eng-Lit student" would make someone an Engineering-Literature student. What university did you do your undregraduate studies at, again?
And you forget a critical point in Elation, Part 3;
"Your team has lost the Stanley Cup and you can finally shave the dead animal off of your face."
I don't think so. Aren't you forgetting the Beard of Shame? Originally formulated in the Lagwagon song "Razor Burn" (I have even posted the song here), the Beard of Shame identifies heartbreak, depression, and of course...great shame. I have grown several Beards of Shame following breakups--its traditional application--but have also broadened out the "she" into a more metaphorical application. I have grown it several times after my teams have lost. Two in particular stand out. The "Aaron Fucking Boone" Beard of Shame of 03, and the "Donovan Fucking McNabb" Beard of Shame of 05. Take a listen to the song, and I think you will be in agreement about this application. If your team loses in the Stanley Cup Finals, your Playoff Beard should seamlessly transform into a Beard of Shame. This should carry on for 7 days after the final game. It should also apply to your team losing in earlier rounds, but the standards can be much less vigorous.
This might be excessive praise as the co-publisher of this site, but this post is truly One For the Ages.
Yeap, awesome stuff. This'll be on the sports editor's desk in the morning.
(No, not really. But it's good.)
This is indeed outfuckingstanding. Hilarious stuff.
As far as I can tell, I'm in stage four myself.
Bravo!
I can't help but think that losing Commodore and his mighty beard was somehow bad karma for the Flames. There was a man who took the whole playoff beard thing seriously.
Post a Comment
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