Thursday, October 05, 2006
My predictions are always right. It's the future that's stupid
Andy Grabia's productivity continues to outpace that of his "temporary replacement," so I'm happy to turn the microphone back over to him as the real hockey begins. I leave you with my ten intrepid forecasts for the NHL's crossroads season.
1. Sidney Crosby will win the Art Ross Trophy. The postseason awards ceremony will take a dramatic turn when he attains pubescence and his voice drops two octaves halfway through his acceptance speech.
2. Paparazzi will unexpectedly catch Tie Domi exiting a limousine with a visibly flustered Hillary Clinton.
3. After unsuccessfully pleading with his business partners to let him resign, Wayne Gretzky will make a clumsy suicide attempt with a skate blade after a 6-1 Phoenix loss to the Columbus Blue Jackets.
4. The Dallas Stars will poison the atmosphere of their locker room by gratuitously jerking the captaincy away from their spiritual leader and signing hockey's most notorious malcontent to a contract. Oh, wait...
5. When the Jose Theodore-Paris Hilton sex tape hits the Internet, fans will be consternated to learn that Theo stubbornly refuses to remove his Heritage Classic Habs toque throughout the entire performance.
6. Lou Lamoriello's Devils will, at some point, make separate trades for the rights to Howie Morenz, Bill Masterton, Eric Lindros's brain, and Dominik Hasek's groin.
7. Under indirect pressure from Chris Pronger's wife, the Anaheim Ducks will relocate in mid-season, becoming the East St. Louis Crackheads.
8. Paparazzi will unexpectedly catch Doug Gilmour exiting a limousine with a visibly flustered Paulina Gretzky.
9. A five-hour 0-0 tie between Minnesota and Calgary will finally be ended by a game of rock-paper-scissors in front of a nearly empty Pengrowth Saddledome. Keith Carney will be named the game's first star after he successfully pulls the "rock smashes through paper" trick on Chuck Kobasew.
10. The Oilogosphere will band together to raise the price of a Porsche 930 Turbo and present it anonymously to Miikka Kiprusoff.
1. Sidney Crosby will win the Art Ross Trophy. The postseason awards ceremony will take a dramatic turn when he attains pubescence and his voice drops two octaves halfway through his acceptance speech.
2. Paparazzi will unexpectedly catch Tie Domi exiting a limousine with a visibly flustered Hillary Clinton.
3. After unsuccessfully pleading with his business partners to let him resign, Wayne Gretzky will make a clumsy suicide attempt with a skate blade after a 6-1 Phoenix loss to the Columbus Blue Jackets.
4. The Dallas Stars will poison the atmosphere of their locker room by gratuitously jerking the captaincy away from their spiritual leader and signing hockey's most notorious malcontent to a contract. Oh, wait...
5. When the Jose Theodore-Paris Hilton sex tape hits the Internet, fans will be consternated to learn that Theo stubbornly refuses to remove his Heritage Classic Habs toque throughout the entire performance.
6. Lou Lamoriello's Devils will, at some point, make separate trades for the rights to Howie Morenz, Bill Masterton, Eric Lindros's brain, and Dominik Hasek's groin.
7. Under indirect pressure from Chris Pronger's wife, the Anaheim Ducks will relocate in mid-season, becoming the East St. Louis Crackheads.
8. Paparazzi will unexpectedly catch Doug Gilmour exiting a limousine with a visibly flustered Paulina Gretzky.
9. A five-hour 0-0 tie between Minnesota and Calgary will finally be ended by a game of rock-paper-scissors in front of a nearly empty Pengrowth Saddledome. Keith Carney will be named the game's first star after he successfully pulls the "rock smashes through paper" trick on Chuck Kobasew.
10. The Oilogosphere will band together to raise the price of a Porsche 930 Turbo and present it anonymously to Miikka Kiprusoff.
# posted by Colby Cosh @ 12:28 am 
Comments:
#9 was so unexpected that it made me laugh out loud waking up the guy in the room next to mines.
Keith Carney will be named the game's first star after he successfully pulls the "rock smashes through paper" trick on Chuck Kobasew.
Pure gold.
That Porsche 930 Turbo one was just evil though heh heh. Plus I think you'd have to find a way to turn Kipper into a reckless drunken fool before he got behind the wheel.
Loved the Dougie Gilmour reference, I can't believe I forgot that he had an affair with his babysitter!
I'm also surprised the the Hilton/Theodore sex tape hasn't hit the net yet, I guess Paris is waiting until she has another (shudder) tv show coming out.
I think you should add:
"Gary Bettman suffers a concussion after he falls off the chair he was standing on to reach the cookie jar on top of the counter"
oh you are going straight to H e double hockey sticks... keep a seat open for me
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#9 was so unexpected that it made me laugh out loud waking up the guy in the room next to mines.
Keith Carney will be named the game's first star after he successfully pulls the "rock smashes through paper" trick on Chuck Kobasew.
Pure gold.
That Porsche 930 Turbo one was just evil though heh heh. Plus I think you'd have to find a way to turn Kipper into a reckless drunken fool before he got behind the wheel.
# posted by 
: October 05, 2006 1:20 am
: October 05, 2006 1:20 am Loved the Dougie Gilmour reference, I can't believe I forgot that he had an affair with his babysitter!
I'm also surprised the the Hilton/Theodore sex tape hasn't hit the net yet, I guess Paris is waiting until she has another (shudder) tv show coming out.
I think you should add:
"Gary Bettman suffers a concussion after he falls off the chair he was standing on to reach the cookie jar on top of the counter"
# posted by : October 05, 2006 8:10 am
: October 05, 2006 8:10 am oh you are going straight to H e double hockey sticks... keep a seat open for me
# posted by : October 05, 2006 8:52 am
: October 05, 2006 8:52 am Post a Comment
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